Hitting the Sheets? Hit the Showers!

Warning: this post is vulgar as shit. I have changed some of my language to make it a little cleaner, but it is still kinda raunchy. You have been warned. Enjoy reading.
Something that me and my friends have laughed about but really have dodged and have been good at avoiding is the smelly body experience. Let's paint the picture. You talking to that fine chick you have been trying to get at for like months now. She talk that good shit in ya ear, telling you what she want to do and how she want to hook up. You set it up and whatnot, glad that she done finally gave in. She comes over. Y'all start touching and feeling each other literally, and clothes start to hit the floor. And here comes the smell. Yeah there is a smell that has made its way to your nose, and you are now in the process of trying to figure out what it is. Guess what? It's her. Yeah that fine chick you done finally got naked smells like hot fish. You can't believe this so you do the smell test. Yeah you put your fingers down there and bring them to your face. Inches from your nose, the smell is more evident than before. Yeah you're disgusted. I'm disgusted just painting that picture for you. Stank vajaja is a no-no, people. I mean really? You know you about to buss it open, you need to take care of that. Wipe it out, clean it, make sure it is smelling good and ready for action. Please do not open your legs and believe it is okay to fuck when you just came from a run or workout. Hell if you been running around all day and he just got to have it, take a second, wipe it out, and do a smell check on yourself. Yes I said it. No man or woman should be on the receiving end of bad smelling vajaja. As my best friend has said, "if I can smell it I know you can smell it." Don't be acting like you don't know you have a smell to you. That is not something to be oblivious to. Oh and don't come in contact with a mutha fucka like me because I will tell you about yourself and make sure you get a good whiff of that shit before you get sent away from me or I leave, whichever one is the case. Men, you think you an exception because you hanging and swinging? Lol if you did you done lost ya damn mind. No chick wants to touch your dirty penis sir. Please wash that. I mean really? Sweaty balls are not the move. Yeah I went there. That's just as nasty. You know what you have been doing before you decided you wanted to fuck. Please clean ya body beforehand and make sure she is clean too. No matter who you trying to buss down or make love to or have sex with or play with or whatever you trying to do, please practice the good hygienic ways of everyday life and make sure your body is clean. I mean dammit man! I'll tell you right now. I don't put up with that shit or excuses for it. You will leave my presence or I will exit stage right if this shit happens with no problems. I don't give a fuck. We are adults. Wash ya ass before you try to get some ass. Its that simple. Oh and please don't be the nasty ass person that want to do special shit and haven't done this. What I mean? Don't be pulling out the condiments and fruit for somebody to eat off you and your body covered in any dirt whatsoever. That's a stomachache and an ass kicking waiting to happen. You gotta be a disgusting mutha fucka to do that shit. Even if you don't give a fuck, have some resepct for your body and yourself. About to get some or even think it is a possibility? Hop in the shower and get to it. Don't think I dont know what I am talking about? Hey man...I'm just saying...

The Filthy Nails and Hands

I was having a conversation a few days ago while I was at work and the person that I was talking to complimented me on my nails and how clean they are. I thanked him, as a person should do, but the conversation changed to that subject. Dirty nails. Eww. I have seen them on men and women alike, and it is antonishing how some people can let their nails get to a point to where even if you clean them they still look dirty. Your occupation is not an excuse. Lack of time is not an excuse. I developed the habit of picking dirt out my nails. Some people hate the sound it makes when my nails click, but they stay clean. I don't like dirt in my nails. Makes me uneasy. There is bacteria and germs in dirt. Why would I want that sitting in my nails? That's nasty. I'm checking my nails right now to make sure they are clean. By the way, I am talking about my own natural nails, not acrylics. I have nothing against acrylic nails, and if my nails didn't grow so fast I would have acrylics more often, but even when I go get them done, that habit still doesn't change. You think you got a shot at touching me with dirty nails? Anything past a hug is a no, and you better be glad if I let you do that much. Dirty nails make me question a person's hygiene. I mean if your nails are always dirty, how often do you bathe? Do you regularly wash your hands? How much stuff do you touch that you transfer dirt onto? I mean really? This is what runs through my mind when I see dirty nails. Oh and please believe I will never permit a person to even think of touching my naked body with that kind of shit going on. Why? So you can place that dirt on and/or in my body and cause abnormal shit to happen? Umm I think not. Yes y'all know what I am talking about. I hate to say this, but I will: females with dirty nails are definitely looked at differently. You talking about nasty? Nah. A female with dirty nails is looked at as untouchable on all levels. A man will see that shit and think you are just eww. Don't get me wrong. There are some men that don't pay that much attention to that kind of stuff. They don't gibe a fuck about that. As long as you don't have the overall appearance of looking dirty or unapproachable, then it ain't an issue. Guess what? I question that shit. Of course, fake nails and nail polish hide this sort of thing, and most people think of this sort of thing to be ridiculous. Who gives a fuck about that kind of shit? I do. Why? Clean nails most often equals clean hands and clean bodies of people that are consceince of germs and bacteria. That is why I pay attention to that. The site of dirt in nails is horrid to me. Now let me put something else out there: I do not get regular manicures. No I do not pay a person to file and clean my nails because I can do that myself, and I do. May not be as good but it is done to my satisfaction and I believe I have been doing a good job at it. Here's a question that comes to mind: what about feet? Personally I don't like feet. Unless it's summertime and they have good looking feet, I am going to want a person to wear socks around me anyway, but I do enjoy pedis and I take care of my toe nails just as much as I take care of my fingernails. I wear socks all the time, but I make sure my nails are as clean as possible. All of them! I won't too much into that but I will say that females have to be more better at this as well. Fellas it is okay to get a manicure. It does make you gay and all that shit. It just means you are taking that extra step to having clean nails. I have seen some of the best nails on men and some of the absolute worst on women. It is possible people. Take care of your nails. Wash your hands regularly. Clean the dirt out when you get the chance to. Please refrain from touching somebody's exposed body parts with dirty hands. Oh and please don't think you will get anywhere near my food. Umm fuck no I dont play those kind of games. I am good on that shit! Having clean hands and nails is good hygiene. If you dont want to clean your nails, pay somebody to do it for you or request that somebody handles that on your behalf. Wash ya hands regularly and when you do clean under your nails in the process. If you don't know proper handwashing procedures, look it up in YouTube. I'm sure there is a video for it. Even if you don't wash yo ass regularly (oh boy I am going the fuck in on that post), at least clean hands and nails will trick a mutha fucka into thinking you do. I am not just saying this because of personal preference. I am just giving a little word of advice. Dont think I know what I am talking about? Hey man...I'm just saying...

Dress Attire

The discussion that has been had amongst friends, both young and old, is what is wrong with people and the way they dress these days. Some of this stuff that is out there is just that, out there. What I am wondering about is what's up with these females that believe wearing something two sizes too small from them is okay and these dudes that believe that sagging skinny jeans is the way to go with their wardrobe. I mean seriously? A dude tried to talk to me wearing skinny jeans and I thought it was horrid. I laughed at him and kept it moving. Women: we have to do better with the fit of our colthing. Yes something can fit without being tight. I mean really though? If it is clear that you are not a size 12, don't put on that when you know you are a 18. We see you and we know that ain't right. Oh and just because it is in your size don't mean it look good on you. I really get irked when I see muffin tops and incorrect usage of clothes. Its not attarctive. Males: if I can see yo draws, I will refrain from giving you attention. That is not the move. I'm too old to think that is even remotely cute. Also, skinny jeans are not to be worn by any male PERIOD! I don't care what you tell me or how much many and fame you got. Its not cool. And yes I can tell the difference between straight leg and skinny baby. You ain't fooling anybody. To both sexes: if you look in the mirror and something doesn't seem right, make a change or ask a friend. Strong word of advice: please let your friends know when something does not look right on them. It is not okay to let your friends walk around looking all kinds of wrong period. Yes feelings might get hurt but at least they will not be embarrassed. Trust me when I say I will not go anywhere with anybody if I feel their outfit is not working. Oh and stop wearing your pajamas to the store. I don't give a fuck how long you gonna be in there. Put some damn clothes on or don't walk out the door unless you driving and don't plan to get out the car. Dress according to the weather. If it is February and it is 80° (yes this is possible) it is okay to dress accordingly, but please don't have on shorts in 50° weather with wind chills. Yeah I have seen it. Fellas, sagging shorts DOES NOT substitute for pants. I swear that irks me to the fullest. Putting your hands in your shirt does not substitute for a coat. Check weather reports as often as you can people and always be prepared for the unexpected because sometimes these weather people be wrong as shit. Am I saying carry a jacket around in the summer time? No but you might want to have some sort of rain gear in the case of unexpected showers. I know an umbrella goes everywhere I go. Dress for the occasion. A freak'em dress to the movies is just as wrong as a T-shirt and shorts to a job interview. Yes I have seen both and worse. Oh you thought I forgot about kids? Not by a long shot. Parents, dress your children correctly and in the right stuff. Your child or children needs to look as good as you or better. I want to sleep the shit out of these people I see with their kids looking ridiculous but they look as if they are fresh off a photo shoot. Really though? Somebody please pass me the number to DFACS. I can't take it. That doesn't irk me. That pisses me off. Also, let yo kids be kids and be themselves, but please make them dress for the weather and for the activities they are going to engage in as well. I am not a parent. This is true, but I know what is right and what is wrong on a child. It doesn't take having one to see that. I used to be a baby, a child, a tween, and a teenager. I am not just saying these things people. This is not coming from just anywhere and none of this has been fabricated so that I can make my point. To that chick that walked into that juniors store and said they are discriminating because there was nothing there in your size, this is dedicated to you. Please go shop somehwere that carries your correct size and stop trying to fit into a size you ain't worn since 5th grade. I can say this. I have been a size 16 since I was in 7th grade. It is possible and I do look good in my clothes. All I am saying is this: be comfortable but be correct in what you wear. If it doesn't look or feel right, its probably not. Do yourself a favor and change it. Please listen to those that are trying to advise you on what to put on, but also be aware of how this person or these people dress as well. I am all up for individualilty and not following trends, but there are some things that are just not okay by any means. Know your stuff people. Don't think I know what I am talking about? Hey man...I'm just saying...

Let Me Do It or Do It Yourself

As I sit here and I bounce to the random songs that my iTunes is playing, I think about something that is truly random at the moment but not that random: don't you dislike it when people ask you to do something but then they want to tell you how to do it their way and shit? I will give an example. You are asked to cook dinner by your significant other, and you accept. It's dinner. You can handle that. He or she wants something simple, like baked chicken, rice and gravy. You like cool that can work, I can work that out. You proceed to the kitchen only to see this mutha fucka all over your shoulder looking at your every move. He or she telling you what to do with the chicken, how to season shit, how high or low the water should be for the rice, etc., etc. "Why don't you wash the dishes as you go along?" "Use the other kind of rice. I like that more." "You sure you want gravy." Man you wanted this shit a certain way, why yo ass ain't this kitchen cooking this shit? I mean really? You wanna be lazy tonight but want to tell me how you wanna do shit. If you gonna ask me to do something, let me fucken do it the way that I want to do it at the pace that I want to do it. Please do not be all in my face or all down my throat or all on my ass about something that you asked me to do. Remind yourself that I am doing something you asked me to do, not the other way around. I mean fa real shawty? Sit the fuck down with all that extra shit! If you don't trust me enough to do a good job or the way that you want it done, simply don't ask me to do it. I mean shit. Oh and keep all attitude and side comments to yourself if shit is not getting done the way you want it. That shit is a serious pet peeve of mine and pisses me off quick, fast, and in a fucken hurry. I strongly dislike that shit. Do the shit yourself if you going to be that picky or particular about shit. Appreciate the fact that the person was nice enough to do the shit for you in the first place, and correct them only when necessary, i.e. they are putting up a ladder and its not getting done right. That's a safety hazard. Somebody can get hurt. Correct them then. Don't just be doing the shit because that is how you want shit to be. If you got a list of guidelines of what is being done, you need to be paying someone to do that shit for you. Don't ask somebody to do something for you for free and be an ass about it. Oh and don't think because you threw money in the equation that it gives you the right to be an ass because it doesn't, but it does give you more right to have something done the way that you want it done. Don't ask me to do a damn thing if all you going to do is criticize me and judge the way that I am doing what you asked because that shit is annoying. If you want it to be done a certain way, state that in the beginning so that there is less of a hassle when it is done. I can actually deal with that more than you waiting til I am trying to complete that task and telling me how wrong I am when I am doing it. I don't care if it is as simple as screwing in a light bulb. If you ask me to do it, let me handle it. Point I'm trying to make: let me handle something that you have asked me to do the way that I want to do it or just do the shit yourself. It is that simple. Appreciate the fact that I am actually handling something that you asked me to do for you, and don't take it for granted. Remember, I didn't have to do that shit in the first place. Don't think I know what I'm talking about? Hey man...I'm just saying...

Good Men and Women Still Exist

I tell you, the conversations that I have had with friends over the years have stuck to me like my skin to my bones. For the longest I have heard my single friends come to me and say that there ain't any good men or women out there and if they do exist they are already taken. I will tell you the same thing I told them: that's bullshit. You just have to find one. Single women, I will address you first. There are plenty of good single men out there in the world for you to find and date and shit. No all men are not the same and all are not to fuck and leave. Please stop saying that shit, or at least don't say that shit to me. I do believe it nor do I want to hear it. Evaluate your personality, attitude, and personal beliefs before you give a man the time of day because there could be a good man in front of your face and you would kill that shit with the way you treat him and waiting for him to fuck up. Single mena and lesbians, there are good women out there that are not filled with drama or only want to dip in your pocket. Trust me when I say there are women that are willing to treat you like the king (or queen) that you are because you have decided to be a part of their life. Do not approach every woman with a divide and conquer attitude either. Most women are not with that shit. Communication baby. It is the foundation to everything having to do with significant others and romantic relationships. Hell it's the foundation for everything period. Try to get to know a person if you gonna judge them. Every woman ain't a gold digging bitch, and every male ain't a dog ass mutha fucka. Once we quit treating each other as such, then there will be more good men and women around for the picking. Get yourself in check before you pass judgement and don't believe the societal bullshit that swarms around you. Otherwise you are going to be a lonely mutha fucka for the rest of your life. There are.good ones still out there. They are all around you. Don't think I know what I'm talking about? Hey man...I'm just saying...

The Vajaja Won't Keep Him

Okay here's the deal: I am about to be 25 in a month and ever since I was in high school, I have been hearing females claim that their "stuff" is so good that it can change any man and put him in his place. They say shit like "with this pussy he will never stray" and stupid shit like that. They really believe that the vagina they giving away is keeping money coming out his pocket, him from cheating, and his eyes to himself. "My man will never do that. The pussy is too good to him." Newsflash: he can and he has. To the females of the world that think their pussy is so great no man that touches it would want another, I like your confidence but please bring yo ass down from that high ass horse yo ass is sitting on. There is not a woman on earth that can keep their significant other from cheating or leaving if they want to. Guess what? Shit happens. Now I'm not saying these aren't stupid for doing the shit. I give no defence for those that are wrong, and this is way I am putting you ridiculous females out there that believe that dumb shit on blast. Yeah yo vajaja could be great, but if the actual sex act ain't on point, he or she will find someone that can get the job done. Ain't nothing wrong with saying that its good. I say it from time to time because that is what I have been told, but I know it won't keep a person there. If he or she wants to leave, the door is open and there is nothing that is going to keep he or she from walking through it but personal choice. They not sticking wit yo conceded ass because ya pussy is just the bomb and shit. They are doing it because they see something in you that is worth more than that to them. I can't deal with that kind of attitude. What created it? The right man or woman told them their vajaja is just that good, and it stuck ever since. Guess what darling? There is one out there that is better and belongs to a more quality woman. Betting yo life in it? Plan ya funeral in the process. Some men out there ain't any better. "Man shit all I gotta do is put this dick down and she is done. No man stands a chance against Mandango." Really? Personal experience: that shit ain't true. I have turned and shut down what I consider some of the best because of other reasons. Oh you think cuz you put it down I'm going to be stalking you and wanting a relationship and all in yo face and all on you like white in rice? That I won't step out on you or even look at another? Lmao let me stop laughing real quick. You out yo fucken mind! I explore all other factors about you before I even make silly decisions like that. How good you are in bed means nothing to me if you disrespect me or treat me like I'm nothing. Being another notch on your belt ain't an honor for me boo boo, so don't you ever think that I am going to praise it by stroking yo ego just so I can be left with a wide open nose and hurt feelings. It ain't that serious sweetie. I've had better. Is it true? It might be. Just know there is always somebody better out there, no matter what we talking about. My point: don't think because you giving it up that this person is going to be so caught up in it that he or she going to do what you want when you want and never going to leave ya side. If that is the case, cheating wouldn't go on at such high rates. Don't think its going to work? Having doubts? Keep yo dick in your pants or your legs closed, whichever one applies to you. Everything comes down to personal choice. If that person chooses to do so, then that's it. There is nothing your genitalia is going to do about that. Better pick up some other skills and a better personality becauase the competition out there shows no mercy. Don't think I know what I'm talking about? Hey man...I'm just saying...