The Bedroom Rules

Ladies and Gentlemen, I was having a conversation just last night and I hear the story about how a person's bedroom space was violated. Yes this is possible especially when you are dealing with mutha fuckas that obviously don't know you that well. I don't know about everybody else bit I will tell you this: you will learn real quick from me when you have violated my space period. I would like to present to you my own person bedroom rules. No it is not all sexual but you will learn to respect my space. Here we go:

1. Don't get your ass in the middle of my bed and invade all of my space. The blue cloud is a beautiful place...MY BEAUTIFUL PLACE! What the fuck is wrong wit you? The only exception to this if I am about to lay on you so we can cuddle while we sleep or chilling. Otherwise, stay yo ass out of the majority of my bed space. That is mine and mine only!

2. Don't come changing my channels and flipping all through my shit. Yes nigga I'm watching that. I might be courteous enough to ask what you wanna watch but only if I care.

3. Don't plan to spend the night unless invited to do so. The only exceptions to this: my family and the crew, and I will even let them know if its bad timing. If I didn't suggest you stay, prepare to go home before I go to sleep.

4. Don't be going through my shit. Never had this problem, but I wish a mutha fucka would...

5. My puppy is going to be in my room from time to time. Its his room too. Respect his space. He lives here. You don't.

6. Throw away anything you plan to dispose of in the trash can. Its green and sits in one corner of my room. Use it.

7. Don't think because you are in my room that you gonna get me naked unless this is something we have previously discussed. Just cuz I brought you up here don't mean I wanna let you have it. Nah shit don't work like that.

8. If I get dressed, it means you get dressed too. Follow suit. If I am putting on my clothes don't get comfortable in my bed naked and relax yourself. Nah. Please dress and plan to bounce.

9. No dramatics. I don't do those. Don't bring to my place of peace.

10. If we agree to fuck, please don't get in my bed or my room bullshitting. Yes I am cool with a convo beforehand and yeah we can do more than just that. When the clothes come off I expect your A game. Nothing less. The second I figure out you are fronting on me, I will show you the door. Bye bitch. Not wit it.

11. Practice good hygiene and don't come in my room smelling all kinds of foul. If we cool like that you will be allowed to take a shower. Otherwise you will get put out. Done deal.

12. If you pass gas and don't say excuse me or pass one of those killers that run a chick out her own shit, go to the bathroom, plan to leave, and know you have killed the whole mood.

13. If you want to leave, don't give me an excuse to why you leaving. Just give me a "I'm about to get ready to go" and I will politely walk you to the door.

14. I do live with other people. Be mindful of this when you come to my place. Thanks.

15. Don't insult or disrespect me. This includes my stuff and anything that stands for what I am about. Period.

This is all I have for now but if you ever get the pleasure of being in my room, you will know that it can be another one or two out there. Please know that every person has their own set of bedroom rules, and it might not be put up on the wall it something, but they exist. Don't think you are the exception unless told so and know it for a fact. You better have a talk before you get over there. Otherwise you probably will end up embarrassing yourself. Don't think I know what I'm talking about? Hey man...I'm just saying...

Getting The Right Fit...The Nasty Way

Some of these grown ass boys out here are fucken hilarious. I mean they are funny as shit. It's crazy how you are given the green light to get what you want and you fuck it up in the worst way: by trying to make it seem that you are something that you are not. Let's get into a scenario: a chick offers to give it up. You take the opportunity and you meet up with her. Everything is going smoothly. And then yall get down to the act. You pull out this Magnum and put it on like it just fits perfectly or some shit and get to it only for it to continuously slide and possibly break. THIS IS NOT HOT! I dont know know who told some mutha fuckas that this is impressive or that it will give a female this thought that you doing something, but all you are doing is pissing her off with this stopping and starting shit. Like what in your right mind makes you believe that your dick is so huge that you need that shit? Oh you dont wanna look like the short dick mutha fucka that you are in front of the people in the store when you buy them? Why do you give a fuck what they think? They aint fucking you. Maybe you aint a short dick male, but you aint a Magnum man. You know it and every chick you done pulled it out in front of knows it. All you are doing is setting yourself up for a fiasco hunny. I'm a grown ass woman and I am gonna put it out there: stop buying fucken condoms that you know yo ass cant fit. You are not doing much sir but cutting yourself off and putting yourself in the position to be dogged the fuck out. I mean really? You know why you couldnt fuck like you wanted to? Because the condom dont fit. You know why you kept getting nervous and scared? Because you was fearing that mutha fucka coming off. You know why you kept checking it and heard that dreadful snap when it broke? Because you shouldnt have been fucking with that shit in the first place. Compare it to a construction site. You not going to hammer a nail with just a handle. You cant drill with a manual screwdriver baby. Let's go to sports: you wont play football with a basketball. You wont wear cleats on a court. Why the fuck would you wear a condom you clearly cant fit? GET YO SHIT TOGETHER! Females, dont let these boys out here get away with that shit. If they pull that on you and you catch them, front that ass out. If you catch it after the fact, cut that ass off! Fuck him. He will live. Let him pull that fuck shit on another bitch because that is not okay. If they keep getting away with it, they gonna keep do it. Fellas, start fucking with the right shit. Dont be out here trying to trick a bitch. That shit aint safe and its stupid on your part because she aint gonna accept it. Oh and ladies, destroy the confidence that these "dick slangers," and I use that term loosely, have in themselves to be doing shit like that. When you are trying to get a job done, you need the right equipment. If you dont have it, ask her to provide it for you. If you know its old or whatnot, replace it. Go in that thing strong because if you dont, you will be the joke of the day. Can't do that? You better show her what that mouth do. Yeah I went there. Real men know where I am coming from. They are reading this shit right now saying to themselves, "HELL YEAH!"  Please believe that. Its as simple as knowing what you got and working with it. Honesty does impress real women, and if she dont want it, find a bitch that will because you fooling and losing by lying about it. Don't get mad when yo ass get sent home because you pulling out shit that dont belong to you naturally. And dont ever use a Durex. That shit will get you laughed at to your face. Don't think I know what I'm talking about? Haha take note mutha fuckas! Hey man...I'm just saying...